“Our ideas are conditioned by the prejudices instilled in us by our parents, by our culture, and by the historical period we live in. They are further limited by the increasing rigidity of the mind. A bit more humility about what we know would make us all the more curious and interested in a wider range of ideas.” - Robert Greene from The Laws of Human Nature
The person we are today is largely shaped by forces outside our conscious control—a complex web of conditioning woven into our lives from the very beginning. It is likely that, if given a choice, we might not have selected all the traits, beliefs, and behaviors that define us now. Yet here we are, molded by countless influences, living with a self that we didn’t exactly choose, yet one we must come to accept and understand.
This conditioning began at birth, and perhaps even before, as we absorbed signals from the world around us. From infancy, our parents and family members subtly (and sometimes overtly) impressed their values and fears upon us. As we grew, teachers, classmates, societal expectations, and media all contributed their own layers to the person we were becoming. These influences shaped not only what we believe and how we behave but also how we view ourselves and the world. Over time, these external voices turned into internal patterns and beliefs, forming our subconscious—our hidden script, silently guiding our decisions, reactions, and habits.
We often feel like we are making conscious choices, yet these choices are heavily influenced by a set of ingrained assumptions and beliefs that were instilled over a lifetime. Our subconscious, shaped by our conditioning, acts as an unseen puppeteer, directing many of our thoughts and actions. This programming is subtle and pervasive. Often, we aren’t even aware of it, as it operates beneath the surface of our awareness, making it difficult to distinguish which parts of ourselves are genuinely self-determined and which are the result of this deep-seated conditioning.
The way this programming has taken hold is through both reward and punishment, approval and disapproval. From early on, when we acted in ways that aligned with societal or familial expectations, we were often rewarded, validated, or praised. Conversely, actions deemed “wrong” were met with scolding, ridicule, or disappointment. Such experiences taught us to seek approval and to avoid behaviors that might lead to rejection or conflict. Over time, we internalized these patterns, learning to anticipate which behaviors would garner acceptance and which would bring criticism.
Interestingly, as we matured, we often began using these same tools to reinforce our own behaviors and even to judge others. This self-policing became another layer of our conditioning, subtly reinforcing the patterns that others had initiated. We could hold resentment toward those who shaped us this way, perhaps blaming parents, teachers, or society itself. But in reality, they too were products of similar conditioning. Each generation passes down its values, fears, and assumptions, often unknowingly, in an endless cycle of conditioning.
Breaking free from this cycle is not easy, as it requires us to peel back the layers and examine which aspects of ourselves are authentic and which are products of this lifelong programming. By becoming more conscious of our internalized patterns, we can start to redefine the relationship with our past conditioning and move toward a version of ourselves that feels closer to the person we might actually choose to be.
"Day by day, at home, at school, at church, and from television, we are told how to live, and what kind of behavior is acceptable. The environment we grow up in teaches us how to be human. And we learn to judge: We judge ourselves, judge other people, judge the neighbors." - Don Miguel Ruiz from The Four Agreements
Who We Are
The person we believe ourselves to be—our self-image, shaped by conscious thoughts, actions, and feelings—is likely only a small fraction of our actual, full self. Psychologists have long debated the extent of conscious versus subconscious influence, with some theories suggesting that our conscious mind might account for only around 5% of who we are, while the subconscious holds the remaining 95%. Although these numbers are open to debate, early psychological thought, from pioneers like Freud and Jung, was founded on the idea that much, if not most, of our true self resides in the subconscious.
The choices we make each day, the decisions that shape the lives we lead and the people we become, are influenced not just by our conscious desires but by the hidden currents of our subconscious mind. This part of ourselves, forged in the early years of life, holds our most deeply ingrained beliefs, fears, and assumptions. Thus, who we think we are—our everyday, conscious identity—is often a reflection of these deeper patterns, which were established before we had the awareness to question or understand them.
To truly understand who we are, we must make an effort to break through the protective layers that guard our subconscious, allowing us to catch glimpses of what lies beneath. By examining these inner workings, we begin to uncover the invisible forces that shape our actions, reactions, and interactions. The more we recognize these hidden influences, the more empowered we become to reshape them in alignment with our conscious intentions. While it may not be realistic to transform the entire subconscious mind, acknowledging its patterns allows us to start integrating it with our conscious self, bringing us closer to a unified, authentic identity.
The famous saying attributed to Aristotle, "Give me a child until he is seven, and I will show you the man," speaks to the profound impact of early experiences on the person we ultimately become. Events, relationships, and messages from our formative years leave enduring marks on our subconscious, subtly guiding how we perceive the world, how we relate to others, and how we respond to challenges.
Understanding these connections to our past can help us break free from outdated patterns. By shining light on the hidden fears and beliefs instilled during childhood, we gain the awareness needed to decide whether those early messages should continue to influence our present lives. Will we allow the anxieties of a child—our younger, less aware self—to dictate our actions today and shape our future? We may not entirely free ourselves from these old patterns, but awareness gives us a powerful tool for change. When we recognize the origin of certain behaviors, we give ourselves the choice to grow beyond them and start living more intentionally, guided by a conscious understanding of who we are and who we wish to become.
“Give me a child until he is seven and I will show you the man.” - Aristotle
How We Got Here
External forces play a powerful role in shaping who we become, subtly conditioning our beliefs, behaviors, and self-image. From the moment we are born, we’re influenced by a variety of societal, familial, and cultural forces that shape our thoughts, behaviors, and perceptions, often without us even realizing it. These forces operate as the architects of our “programming,” influencing how we think about ourselves, our relationships, and our place in the world. Let’s look at some of the most impactful external forces behind our conditioning.
Family and Early Caregivers
Our family and caregivers are typically the first and most formative influence on our development. They introduce us to the world, teach us what is “right” and “wrong,” and model behaviors we are likely to adopt. These teachings often shape our foundational beliefs about ourselves and others. Parents, for instance, may praise certain behaviors and discourage others, shaping how we learn to respond to authority, express emotions, and define success or failure.
Even well-meaning guidance can lead to internalized patterns that we later realize don’t serve us. A parent’s fear, perhaps rooted in their own experiences, might be passed on to us as a cautionary mindset. This conditioning can continue into adulthood, as family expectations and values often shape major life choices, from career paths to personal relationships, influencing us even if we are not fully aware of their impact.
Education Systems
Schools are powerful conditioning agents, shaping not only what we learn but also how we view ourselves and our potential. From the earliest grades, students are taught to conform, follow rules, and meet expectations. The structure of the education system—standardized testing, grading systems, and behavioral norms—instills a sense of competition, comparison, and hierarchy. Students quickly learn that success and worth are often measured by how well they meet external standards.
Teachers and administrators can also play a significant role in this conditioning. How they respond to students, the subjects they prioritize, and the values they implicitly endorse (e.g., obedience, punctuality, conformity) all contribute to students’ perceptions of what is valued in society. These lessons shape our early views on authority, our sense of self-worth, and even our aspirations, influencing our beliefs about what we are capable of achieving.
Media and Advertising
Media and advertising are omnipresent forces that shape our views, often without us being fully aware. From movies and television shows to social media and advertisements, we’re constantly exposed to messages that influence our understanding of beauty, success, relationships, and happiness. Media not only entertains but also normalizes certain behaviors and values, subtly guiding us toward what we should aspire to and what we should avoid.
Advertising, in particular, is designed to tap into our subconscious desires and insecurities. By portraying idealized images of success, happiness, and beauty, advertisements condition us to believe that we need certain products or lifestyles to be complete or valued. Over time, we internalize these messages, creating a sense of lack or dissatisfaction that can push us to seek external validation or approval through material possessions, appearances, or achievements.
Social and Cultural Norms
Our culture’s norms and values play a significant role in shaping our identity. From language and customs to gender roles and societal expectations, culture provides the framework within which we understand ourselves and the world. For example, certain cultures prioritize collectivism, where the needs of the group come before individual desires, while others champion individualism, emphasizing personal success and self-expression.
Social norms guide our behavior by setting expectations for how we should act in various situations. For instance, gender roles can influence how men and women perceive their capabilities, careers, and emotions. If a culture values productivity and achievement, individuals might feel pressured to prioritize work over personal well-being. These norms, while often subtle, can lead us to conform to expectations that may not align with our authentic selves.
Peers and Social Circles
Throughout our lives, our friends and social groups exert a strong influence on our beliefs and behaviors. Peer pressure is often associated with adolescence, but it continues well into adulthood, shaping everything from our lifestyle choices to our political beliefs. The need to belong and to be accepted by others can push us to adopt attitudes and behaviors that fit within our social circles, even if they don’t align with our true values or desires.
Social circles also expose us to different viewpoints and beliefs, often reinforcing or challenging our conditioning. If our friends, colleagues, or communities value certain behaviors, we may adopt them to feel included. Over time, these influences can shape our self-identity, sometimes creating inner conflict if our true preferences differ from those of our peers.
Workplace and Professional Environment
Our professional lives are another significant source of conditioning. The workplace often reinforces societal values like productivity, competition, and achievement, pushing individuals to meet performance metrics, conform to organizational culture, and prioritize work over personal time. Many of us define ourselves through our careers, internalizing the belief that our worth is tied to our professional success or productivity.
The values and expectations in a workplace, often set by organizational leaders or industry standards, can also shape our identities. If a work culture prioritizes constant availability or high performance, we may internalize these expectations, feeling compelled to sacrifice personal time or mental health to meet them. This conditioning can deeply influence our self-worth, sometimes leading us to prioritize career achievements over other aspects of life.
Conclusion
Our lives are an intricate tapestry woven from countless threads—many chosen for us before we ever had the power to choose. From the subtle lessons imparted by our early caregivers and the rigid structures of education to the pervasive messages conveyed through media and cultural norms, we are constantly being programmed by forces both seen and unseen. This conditioning forms the foundation of our subconscious, shaping our thoughts, behaviors, and self-image in ways we may not immediately recognize. Yet, by bringing these hidden influences into the light of awareness, we begin to reclaim the possibility of conscious evolution, creating space for new patterns that align more closely with our authentic selves.
Acknowledging the duality of our existence—the interplay between conditioned responses and the innate potential for change—empowers us to redefine who we are. It is through this conscious examination that we can differentiate between the inherited traits that serve us and those that no longer fit our evolving identity. By choosing to understand and, when necessary, challenge our internalized patterns, we open the door to a more self-determined life. This journey of introspection and growth not only helps us overcome the limitations of our early programming but also enriches our capacity to live with intention, creativity, and a deeper sense of personal freedom.
Updated 3/7/2025