Deprogramming ourselves means unraveling the subtle ways our past has scripted our present. It is a journey of questioning, awareness, and ultimately liberation. In this chapter, we will examine how our minds were "domesticated," how we can disconnect from past limitations, see beyond our conditioned perceptions, and recognize the old programming still running our lives today. The tone is reflective and empowering – helping you see your own conditioning with fresh eyes and prepare for further personal growth.
How We Got Here - Our Domestication
From the moment we are born, society begins to shape us. Think of this process as a form of domestication. Much like animals are trained through reward and punishment, human beings are “domesticated” by social conditioning to fit into their culture and expectations. Don Miguel Ruiz describes how everything we believe about ourselves and the world is not truly ours – it is the product of social conditioning.
As children, the adults around us "hook our attention" and program us with repeated ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, acceptable and unacceptable. We had no choice in many of the core aspects of our initial identity – we didn’t choose our native language, our name, our religion, or the basic beliefs we were taught; they were handed to us before we could decide. We simply agreed and internalized them, because as children we trust what authorities tell us.
French philosopher Michel Foucault observed that modern societies have developed intricate systems of power – schools, families, religions, laws – that operate through subtle discipline and surveillance to shape individuals. These systems “mold individuals into obedient and productive subjects, capable of conforming to societal norms and expectations.”
Social institutions train us to conform so that we fit neatly into what society considers “normal.” Over time, we each form a personality and belief system that is adapted to our social environment. We learn how to behave to gain acceptance and avoid punishment. Some key agents of this domestication include:
This domestication often causes us to create an idealized self-image that aligns with what our culture wants us to be. We strive to be the “perfect” student, the dutiful child, the successful professional – whatever our upbringing taught us we should be. Inevitably, no one can ever perfectly fit the ideal. As Ruiz writes, during domestication we form an image of perfection to please others, but “we don’t fit this image… Not being perfect, we reject ourselves”. In other words, we learn to judge ourselves harshly whenever we fail to meet the standards we adopted. We hide the parts of us that don’t conform, and we wear social masks to appear acceptable. We become so identified with our programming that we forget it was something taught to us; we assume “this is just who I am.”
Understanding this process of domestication is the first step in deprogramming. It shines a light on why we think and act as we do. We see that many of our habits and beliefs were given to us by society’s conditioning. With this awareness, we can begin to question which of those inherited programs truly serve us, and which we need to release.
Disconnecting From Our Past
Knowing how thoroughly our past has shaped us, the next challenge is: How do we begin to peel away those layers of conditioning? Disconnecting from our past means detaching our sense of identity from the limiting experiences, labels, and narratives we inherited. It is a psychological and philosophical process of unlearning. We must come to see that the “you” who was programmed is not the deeper real You – and that you have the freedom to redefine yourself in the present.
Firstly, recognize that the roles and identities you took on in the past are not your essence. They are more like costumes you learned to wear. You might have worn the costume of “the responsible eldest child,” “the shy one,” “the tough guy,” or “the people-pleaser,” depending on what your environment reinforced. These roles often become so ingrained that we confuse them for our true selves. We grow comfortable in our masks. In fact, our familiar identities can feel like “second skins” that we fear shedding. Letting go of them can be scary – at times it may even feel like a part of us is dying.
Why is it so frightening to let go of old identities? Because those roles once protected us. We clung to them to feel safe and accepted. If you always got praise for being the “smart one,” you likely invested your self-worth in that identity; letting it go feels like stepping into uncertainty – Who am I without this? Similarly, if you survived a tough childhood by being “invisible” and never complaining, the idea of speaking up for yourself now might trigger deep anxiety.
Our old programming resists change; it convinces us that staying the same equals safety. However, personal growth requires that we periodically shed our old skins. Life is change, and to evolve we must release outdated definitions of ourselves. Think about how many versions of “you” have existed from childhood to now – you’ve likely been a slightly different person at each major phase of life.
As we mature, our interests change, our values sharpen, and our circumstances shift. “Life never stops moving and never stops demanding our internal growth. We outgrow each phase, and each role with time. Each one eventually falls away as we become larger and more expansive.” In other words, change in identity is natural and healthy. When we resist that change by clinging to who we used to be, we stagnate.To disconnect from your past, start by acknowledging that you are not bound to be the person you were yesterday. You can honor your past without being defined by it.
This might involve a few key steps:
Observe Your “Story”: Each of us has a mental narrative about our life – a story we tell ourselves about who we are, based on past experiences. Write down or reflect on the story you currently live by. For example, you might identify that your story is “I am someone who always messes up relationships” or “I am the caretaker who must always be strong.” Recognize that this is just a story, shaped by past events and other people’s inputs. It’s one interpretation of your life, not an unchangeable truth.
Reclaim the Author’s Pen: Once you see the story, realize that you can rewrite it. You are the author now. Past events cannot be changed, but the meaning you assign to them can change. Perhaps what you saw as a defining failure in your past can instead be seen as a lesson that propelled you to grow. You might decide to update the narrative to “I had some unhealthy relationships, but I’ve learned what I truly need now” – a much more empowering story. By reframing the past in a gentler light, you loosen its grip on your identity.
Let Go of What No Longer Serves: Gently release the labels that limit you. You might literally say to yourself, “I am no longer going to define myself as X.” If a past role or trait feels constraining or inauthentic now, thank it (it may have served a purpose once) and imagine setting it down. For instance, if you’ve always identified as “the victim” because of a difficult past, acknowledge the pain but also affirm that you do not have to remain in that role. You can choose to see yourself as a survivor or a creator of a new path. This detachment from old identities is like removing weights from your shoulders – it frees you to explore who you can become.
Throughout this process, it’s important to cultivate self-compassion. Disconnecting from the past doesn’t mean hating or invalidating your earlier self; it means lovingly recognizing that you are more than your history. Treat your past self with understanding – they were doing the best they could with the programming they had. Now, you as the present self have the responsibility to evolve that programming.
Rather than seeing your past as a shackle, see it as a foundation that you are free to build new things upon or even renovate entirely. Yes, taking off the old costumes can feel vulnerable – “like dancing naked for a while,” as one writer put it. But in truth, what remains when you remove those ill-fitting costumes is your authentic self, which has been there all along beneath the roles. By detaching from the limiting definitions of your past, you create space to discover the real you – the you that can grow, change, and define life on your own terms. You can begin seeing reality beyond the old filters.
Reality, Perception, and Illusion
Our conditioning doesn’t just influence our behavior or self-image – it actually colors our very perception of reality. We tend to think that what we see and believe is an objective truth, but in fact much of what we call “reality” is heavily filtered by our minds. Our past programming acts like a lens (or even a veil) through which we interpret the world, often creating illusions that we take for granted as truth.
Neuroscientist Anil Seth quips that “we’re all hallucinating all the time; when we agree about our hallucinations, we call it ‘reality.’” This isn’t to say that the physical world isn’t real, but that our experience of it is largely a mental construct. Your brain constantly interprets sensory data based on what it expects and believes. We tend to perceive what we expect to perceive. That’s why two people can witness the same event and interpret it completely differently: each is projecting their own mental model onto what they see.
Our conditioned beliefs act like a spotlight, highlighting certain aspects of reality and leaving others in the dark. This is akin to what psychologists call confirmation bias and selective perception. Many of the collective truths we inherit are, on closer examination, more like collective agreements or illusions. Consider cultural ideals of success (e.g. “you must have a high-paying job and a nuclear family to be happy”) – these are not absolute truths, but consensual dreams that society encourages us to believe.
Breaking free from conditioning involves recognizing these sorts of illusions in our own life. We begin asking, “Is this belief about reality actually true, or is it just a story I’ve been told?” Seeing beyond our illusions starts with self-awareness and open-mindedness. We have to accept that our view of the world is always partial. There is a liberating humility in admitting “I might not be seeing this clearly because of my assumptions.” When we question our perceptions, we crack the door open for a clearer reality to shine in. This might involve actively seeking out information or experiences that challenge our assumptions.
By doing this, you’re training yourself to distinguish the raw facts from your mind’s story about those facts. The more we peel back the layers of conditioned perception, the more reality expands. The world becomes richer and more nuanced than the black-and-white narrative our past may have given us. We start to see people more for who they are, rather than as projections of our own fears or hopes. We notice opportunities where before we only saw dead ends.
Recognizing Our Programming in Our Current Behaviors
Even as we gain insight into our conditioning, old habits and thought patterns will still show up in our daily life – often when we least expect it. These are our programs in action, the echoes of domestication playing out through our reactions and choices. To truly deprogram, we must become skillful at recognizing these patterns in the moment. As the psychologist Carl Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” In other words, if you don’t spot your conditioned habits, they will run on autopilot – you’ll keep doing things out of old programming, all the while feeling like you have no control over the outcomes.
The goal here is to shine a light on the unconscious parts of you so that you can regain choice and control. How do we catch our programming in action? The key is to develop a sense of mindful self-observation and to practice questioning ourselves.
Below are some practical strategies to help you identify when your past conditioning is influencing your present behavior:
Practice Mindfulness (Observe Without Judgment):
Mindfulness involves paying calm, open attention to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they arise. For example, if you feel anxious during a group discussion, notice the physical signs and self-talk—like a racing heartbeat or the thought “my ideas aren’t good enough”—without immediate judgment. Simply observing these reactions creates a space where you can recognize, “This is my old ‘stay invisible’ program at work.” Over time, this awareness allows you to pause and choose a more constructive response. You can build mindfulness not only through meditation but also by fully engaging in routine activities like eating or walking.
Engage in Self-Inquiry (Question Your Thoughts and Beliefs):
Challenge your conditioned thoughts by asking yourself where they come from. If you catch yourself thinking, “I must not fail or I’ll be worthless,” pause and question its origin: “Is that really true? Where did I learn this?” Tracing such beliefs back to childhood can reveal that they are conditioned messages rather than absolute truths. Techniques similar to those used in cognitive-behavioral therapy—such as journaling and Socratic questioning—can help you gently challenge and ultimately diminish the power of these inherited ideas.
Identify Triggers and Automatic Reactions:
Pay attention to situations that provoke intense, disproportionate emotional reactions. A criticism at work might feel as hurtful as an old wound, signaling a trigger from your past. When you experience such a reaction, ask yourself what the current situation reminds you of and identify the old script at work. Naming the trigger, such as “this is my ‘not worthy’ story coming up,” can help you step back from the emotion and respond more calmly in the moment.
Consciously Break Routines and Try New Responses:
Behavioral routines often hide our programming. To challenge them, deliberately change your approach—practice saying “no” when you normally agree, or reach out to a trusted friend instead of withdrawing when upset. Testing new behaviors in safe situations demonstrates that the old fears were unnecessary. Each time you act differently and receive a positive outcome, the hold of your old programming weakens, opening you to fresh perspectives and choices.
Seek Mindful Accountability:
Sometimes, an objective perspective can help you recognize your habits. Enlist a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist to point out recurring patterns—like downplaying your achievements or deflecting compliments. Feedback such as “I notice you often minimize your successes” can be eye-opening. With support, you can celebrate small wins as you gradually reprogram your responses and foster a more authentic, self-aware way of being.
Conclusion
By recognizing how your programming shapes your behavior, you empower yourself to break free from autopilot and live with intention. This realization—that you don’t have to be confined by your past, but can instead choose your present and future—opens up exciting new possibilities. You begin to respond to life in ways that align with who you aspire to be, rather than being tethered to the patterns you were conditioned to follow.
Ultimately, “Our Deprogramming” is about reclaiming your freedom. You’ve seen how society has shaped your behavior, and now you’re learning to step outside those constraints. By catching old patterns as they emerge, you gradually dismantle them, paving the way for genuine personal growth. As you progress on your journey, with each conscious choice, you rewrite the script of your life with creativity and authenticity, moving ever closer to true self-mastery—a life defined by your own values and vision.
Updated 3/7/2025